I think there is more to it than just school. It's about the ability to learn, to see new perspectives, and gain knowledge. You can do it by taking different classes at school, workshops, community outreach, traveling, or even just reading.

I have always wished I could read more often because I can't really sit still and I get distracted easily. If not, I knock out. This semester, however, since I had so much time, I pushed myself to read a new book every month. I'm so happy I actually read 6 books (maybe even 2-3 if you include children's books lol) within 4-5 months because that's rare for me.
This is the last and my most favorite book that I've read while I was in Thailand.

I am so moved and inspired by this intelligent, and strong girl who believed in children's rights, and education. Most of all, I loved her father who supported her. I've never sat still trying to finish a book because it was THAT good. Reading this book made me realize how ignorant I am. I honestly never heard of Malala, and I never knew much about Pakistan, even though things like this happened last year and still continue to do so up to this day. It made me realize how I have to keep an open eye and ears about the world outside of my own. Read more, education more, challenge more, learn more, watch more, and listen more.
<3 I love you, Malala. You are the bravest of them all. Speak for your rights, and speak for others. You have been a dire inspiration to young women like us all. Whether your own people have said things against you, keep doing what you're doing because the rest of the world has your back. 

“Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow." Education is neither Eastern nor Western, it is human.” 

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. 

---Robert Frost 

Because I am my mother's daughter

It's not surprising when a parent judges other children based on their parents. As a child, you are the reflection of your parents. Either you continue to prove others that they're right, or you do something to prove that they're wrong.


I'm not going to praise on how beautiful and wonderful my mother is like others do.
Though to me, she's been my superwoman.

Yes, I know my mom is crazy. Yes, she doesn't always smile and brighten up the room like other graceful mothers. In fact, my mother has a stern face, and never really finds the most affectionate words to comfort us all. She just knows what to say to piss you off most of the time. My mother is anal as ever and has a stubborn attitude. Not only that, my mother has always been overprotective and conservative. She's not among many's favorite.

And because I am my mother's daughter, there I stand.
Shunned off because I am the crazy woman's daughter. Not all that favored because I don't waltz around the room with a bubbly attitude and an automated smile upon my face.

I'll tell you one thing though. That's the beauty of it all. Others may disagree about your personality because you're not as soft-spoken, bubbly, beautiful, or charming as another, but you'll always find a handful of people who actually understand you; who actually freakin' LOVE your personality, even if you're a dry person. Most of all, you'll find people who have similar characteristics as you do, or have gone through similar situations like you... so there you are joking about your stank faces, bad attitude, and laughing about your grim voices.

You're not alone. You'll never be alone.


Because I am my mother's daughter, here I now stand tall.
I'm freakin' crazy as ever. I intentionally carry on a serious face so others know not to mess with me, and to take me seriously. Yes, I like to scare people off because only those who face fear are the bravest; the bravest to get to know somebody, the bravest do not fall for misjudgments. This is why I love those mean-mugging bitches. They always end up being the most loyal friends. Most of all, they show you tough love like my mother does. What breaks you down only builds you to be a stronger you. I love how I have inherited my mother's stubbornness (to an extent) because I know when to fight for what I truly want, ie: studying abroad in Thailand. If I was obedient and listened to others, I would never build my own personality, and I would never find my own passion. It took 23 years for me to emphasize this: the world is mad. With my mother's absolute protection, I wouldn't have pushed myself to get out and see the light and its darkness. Not only that, but I would have been harmed and even dead without her pessimistic views because now I see that everybody can be just anybody who can harm you emotionally, mentally, and/or physically. And with her strict conservative ways, it's taught me to practice what I value: self-love, self-respect, fidelity, and being a role model and a reflection.

Because I am my mother's daughter, I now see her in me.
I always, always remember and cry for my mother when I'm sick because nobody can take care of me like she does.
So now, I share some of my mom's tips to my Hmong mothers. Wet the towel and lay it on your baby's head/chest to keep their body cool. Use Sensodyne toothpaste and floss your teeth if you have sensitive gum. Always find medicine instantly for your child, and make sure they take it twice a day after their meals.
I, now, too, constantly worry and notice when a child coughs.

So I would like to say, thank you, Mother. Thank you for being you, and creating me. Because without you, there wouldn't even be a ME. You may not be everybody's favorite, and you may not be the most affectionate mother, but you are my very own and only mother. I never speak a word misjudging any other mothers because I know how it feels like to be a mother's daughter. <3

Never again will I whisper in the shadows of intimidation. I am but a symbol of my people's struggle and a servant to their cause. And if I were to be killed for what I believe in, then let my blood be the beacon for emancipation and my words a revolutionary paradigm for generations to come.



-Malalai Joya

25 I Am's

I stole this from my cousin, Nikki. Awesome idea.
Time to unravel.

I am...

1.) Soul of a chameleon: I adapt easily.
2.) Open, yet very selective when it comes to building relationships with others.
3.) A quiet philosopher with deep thoughts.
4.) Nonchalant that I seem insensitive to things.
5.) A money-making work-addicted machine.
6.) Independent and love seeking things on my own.
7.) A soul-searcher always interlinking things.
8.) Prideful that I'm afraid to show true emotions, and to ask for help.
9.) A hopeless romantic.
10.) An educator who just wants everybody to have education as I did.
11.) A supporter who lets others do what they want, yet guide them when it's needed.
12.) An explorer: I love to try new things.
13.) A self-critic; I know my flaws.
14.) Honest, and I like people to be upfront with me. You learn a lot from it.
15.) Accepting and understanding.
16.) Complicated. Truly am.
17.) Always willing to learn.
18.) Fastidious-- when it comes to guys.
19.) Very chill.
20.) My own muse.

THISSSSS

I want that silly ninja love.
They're so effin' cute. So suitable for me.
WANT!



Beyonce ft Jay-Z "Drunk in Love"

My Bougie Xmas List

Dark lipstick

Timb's.

Kate Spade Fair Maiden Stacy Wallet, but in lacquer red.
OR...

Kate Spade Beacon Court Louie wristlet in strawberry

Long Champ Le Pliage handbag... in black, navy blue or royal blue.
(But you can replace with a Charles & Keith black/gold structured handbag)

Villain crewneck.
Or even the beanie or shirts with Hmong-looking swirls




Ya'll can also add a down comforter/blanket, and a fur coat with black leather gloves.
#ThailandTaughtMe
That's just my own list I want to buy for myself eventually.



But if you want to keep it simple: black ANKLE socks, black leggings, fruits, chocolate, SATC or Fresh Price of BelAir DVD set, and classic literature books will make me super happy :)
<3

I just took a study break.
A LONG study break. I finally have good internet connection to watch Lana Del Rey's "Tropico."
Sometimes I never understand her videos and lyrics, and I think she's freakin' crazy, but I cannot express how beautiful she is to me.
Her work seem so dark.
She seems so dark. And mysterious.
I think that's why I'm so in love with her.
I just have this fascination with mysterious people.
You always want to dig deeper.

And I did.

I just wanted to share her older and first video that I never paid much attention to.
Sometimes you don't have to understand the video or lyrics; sometimes you just have to feel the music. Feel the passion and everything behind it. Interpret how you feel, yet understand what she is trying to portray.
All her music is exquisite with hidden messages.
Innocence. Love. Lost. Lust. Reality. Dreams. Memories. Simplicity. Riches. Life.
Maybe that's why I get so emotional when I listen to her art.
That's how deep her mysterious ways and music are to me.

Back in middle school, I used to go to a charter school.
Yes, I wore uniforms. So, shoes were the only fashion statement we had.
As the ghetto and poor kids we were, we would still spend hundreds of dollars on the freshest and newest kicks. (We also got to show off every other Friday on Jean Day)
I still remember the day I cracked the popular boys' necks.
The popular boys who played basketball.
I purchased and showed off my first purr of Nike Air Force One's.
I was only 12.
I wouldn't say I was popular...
But... I was the quiet, smart, COOL Asian girl with the freshest kicks.
And I lived that title. I loved it.


Now I'm 22.
Me: "oo, he kinda cute!"
*looks down at shoes*
Me: "Nvm."
It's crazy how it still plays a big role in my life-- to judge a guy by the kicks he wears, the music he listens to, the sports he likes, his knowledge in streetlife/streetwear. I just like that stuff. As much as I try to get away from it, and grow from it-- to let it go. It's still what I be crushinnn' all the time. And I feel like it will always be a part of me that cannot escape. I hate to sound so prissy, but I just get so disgusted if I see him wearing all white Nike's that my dad wouldn't even wear, or KSwiss's... And if he listens to top40 ratchet music thinking we have similar taste in music. PLEASE, NO, STOP COMPARING! *sigh, I have problems. I know, I know.


But I'll tell you one thing that IRKSSS me. The fakers.
I'll be honest. I don't know much about kicks. I'm not going to keep up with the new J's releases. I have too many big-girl duties to keep up with those numbers: 7's, 11's, yada yada. Most of all, I'm too busy looking for shoes for myself. Plus, I don't go by trend, I go by my keen eye and my taste. If I like 'em, I'll swoop some up. If I can flaunt it, I'll put down $150 on 'em.

But I can't stand a faker. The one's who just all of a sudden want to wear J's because everybody else is... or most of all, because they know it'll impress chicks and dudes. Honestly, that's NOT you. And honestly, it doesn't even go together with the rest of your outfit. You're going to look back and think to yourself, "what was I thinking?"

And I can't stand those who think they got their shoegame going on... YOU'RE NOT A SNEAKERHEAD IF ALL YOU BUY ARE J'S. Trust. I like guys who like shoes. Those who rock every pair of Nike's from J's to Janoski's to SB's to Blazers. Guys who rock NB's and Kobe's. Guys who can still pull off Sperry's and Chuck's. For the GQ men who can appreciate some real leather boots, canvas shoes, and loafers.
Those are the men who GOT THEIR SHOE GAME ON. Those are men who are INTO FASHION.

So just cuz you always jockin' and rockin' the newest J's nowadays don't mean nothin'... and it doesn't give you street credibility. (I may not act like it but I know my streetwear most of the time! At least, the older underground stuff. I'm getting old.) To me, those who only know how to rock J's do it for others, but for those men who are always lookin' fly and classy, LORD JESUS, I JUST LOVE YOU, cuz I KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF.  *snaps fingers* I just love you. Work. It.

And for the men who have love for old school hip hop music like Talib Kweli and Common, respect for some Lauryn Hill, appreciate some Nujabes, love vibing to the Weeknd and Frank Ocean, and always, always enjoy some nice RnB like John Legend or even SWV, holler this way. I already feel your soul. As a matter of fact, I already feel my soul tingling. Just let me go back home first to clean myself up, lol. I'll be back soon enough.


Here's a throwbackthursday.  I can't believe this was actually a song lol! RIP to the old me, yet you're still within my soul. #reasonswhyimsingle #butitsokay

Looking at the past is oh-so bittersweet.
It's as if time stood still, and your pictures told a tale of what seems faint to you.

It brings moments that make you cry, make you angry, and make you laugh, reflecting on the good times and the bad.

I think it's one of the hardest things to do.
You can look at a photo of your past relationship, and think, "damn, we were so happy. What happened to us? What happened to you..."

You find an old photo, and exclaim, "I was fat!! But that's when I sure was happy and didn't care."
Or you tell yourself, "Wow, I used to look pretty and had such healthy hair."
Sometimes you'll even ask yourself, "Ew, what was I wearing? My make-up looked hit up, too."


Even though some of those photos were just a couple of months ago, or few years ago, it makes you feel like you've aged and changed faster than before. The skin that you're in right now is not the same skin you were in at that time. We change time and time again.

This whole day, I've walked to back and forth to school, absorbing all of my surroundings because it is my last week in my Bangkok hood. I keep on reflecting all the things I have done, the things I overcame, the things I will miss, and the things I have gotten comfortable with.
Although millions of pictures can never do justice to portray how I lived through it all, and to exemplify what I've seen with my keen eyes, at least I have these memories.

*sigh. It only took a few weeks to call this place home, but with reality kicking in, it only took a few months to take it all away from me.


Gone with the wind, you are, Bangkok. You've been my heaven, and my hell. My darkness and my light. You've taught me so much about embracing my surroundings, and being compassionate, yet aggressive at the same time.
You definitely have a place in my heart.


I'll miss my noodle lady who puts peanuts in my tom yum noodle soup, and her husband who starts my day with his morning nod. My securities who salute to me, or make angry then happy faces at me. My fruit ladies who smile at me. My roti lady who makes my roti crispier for me. The lazy dogs with their new shirts. My hair dressers who wave at me. Most of all, all of those who remembered my face because of our language barrier. Everything on my side of the hood will always be my most favorite memory.

No more opening the door to my apartment with my roommate saying, "home sweet home," after a long weekend trip. Definitely no more showing off my rooftop view to my friends, and breathing it all in.

This is the life. This was my life. <3

The Way We Were

"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

Watching old seasons of SATC because it seems to be the only interesting English-speaking show in Thailand. Carrie Bradshaw simply says, "I'm Katie!" from this 1973 film. There are two types of women: the simple and the complicated. So are you the simple, pretty girl, or are you the complicated, independent woman? 

It's so crazy to think that I am partially part of Thai history.
I have never participated but the crowd seems to follow me, or I end up running into the crowd wherever I go. It actually seems cool to see how patriotic and passionate the crowds are.

What's even crazier is that photographers will capture the craziest moments, take pictures at a certain angle, and can make something seem so much more intense.
Here I am watching western news and see how violent and aggressive the Thais are. All I see are the repetitive clips of Thais with their gas tears, gas masks, and civilians pulling out barriers. It almost makes my neighborhood look frightening.

However, here I am NOW watching live Thai news of the protest and everybody looks happy, simply fighting for their rights. Not to mention that the protest is 10 minutes away from where I live... and I am still living my life, just chillin'.

This may not be the safest situation, but honestly, if you stay away and mind your own business, it's not all that bad. I love seeing different ways each country portrays each other, especially on the news.

Media, you are so genius. You control us with your fear tactics and you sure do sell it like crazy.
*Reasons why I love my communication major =) Always dissecting and looking things at different angles.


I don't own this picture. Thank you, Google.

I give my condolences to my Hmong NC pageant mama, those who've been killed and injured in the Bangkok protests, and of course, PAUL WALKER. I hate it when we lose beautiful people. My pageant mama who had so much spirit and charisma. Paul Walker with his charm on his way to do some charity work. RIP all.

I just passed by one of the best FB statuses:

Sometimes in life, its not enough to just wake up and breathe. Sure its a blessing, but what are you doing with that breath? Are you breathing easily, making sure you don't break a sweat? Are you doing just enough to get by and be comfortable? You see we procrastinate our growth because of perceived pain. Its going to hurt to clean my room. Its going to hurt to go to work. Its going to hurt to make myself a healthy meal. Instead, i'd rather just clean it later, work later, or throw something in the microwave. And we don't grow. You see, that's the thing about growth. It only comes when we learn to deal with perceived pain. When we decide to face it, rather than run away. Don't you hear stories all the time about amazing people who did easy things? And chose a schedule that was comfortable? Never. Thats because they know and embrace what many people never even tried to learn. They understand that we receive no witness until after the trial of our fate. So stop running away. Stop taking the easiest route. Stop hoping for more in life if you are simply doing the same thing over ,and over ,and over...

Because when this is understood, amazing people happen.

So what will you choose? What path will you take? Will you give up or will you embrace the pain?

Muscles don't grow before they tear..



Shoutout to one of AFS choreographers, Simon, who was inspiration to us all.

Sharaya J- Smash Up the Place

This song and video is so badass.
Haven't gotten this since early 2000's.
Good to see Missy back in the music industry!!

New project: eyebrows.
Excited to see them grow out again.
Can't wait to keep coloring them in.
Lesson learned: don't grow them out and have somebody thread them.
New lesson: shade them in before going out so people can't see the baby hair.

Haven't had a night to stay-in and play with make-up since sophomore year in college.
Just like old times.

I'm a nerd. I'm not much of a reader, but I loved reading Hunger Games and I can't wait to go home to read the rest of the trilogy.
Absolutely loved it that I cried. I don't know whether I'm in love with it more than Thor. *gasps, SHOCKER. I know.
I really think I'm only in love with Katniss because she reminds me of me in some ways. It's that stank face.
But none the less, ya'll already know how much I fathom Jennifer Lawrence's poise. She's grown up to be such a beautiful woman.

When in Thailand, I will still try to find an American feast, especially for Thanksgiving!

Best and most expensive meal I've had in Thailand. So worth it.

Before that, we enjoyed our glass of red wine and sangria at the Red Sky Bar.

Greatest gift of all: having a group of inspiring women around you.
I told my roommate that the greatest thing God gave to me were my cousins and nieces.
Without them, I don't know where I'd be. <3


Loi Krathong/lanterns in Chiang Mai. Laos. Floating market. Fireflies. Waterfalls. Elephant trekking. Malls. Studio. Food. Sky bar. Thanksgiving food.

You know what’s really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. … Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innocent looking lady. … A woman who realizes how beautiful she is.
Courtney E. Martin

I wanna be close.

I haven't been home for Thanksgiving for five years.
But I'm so thankful for all those who took me in, and for the experiences I've gotten.


I just can't wait to be home for good.
For everything I've missed.


And here's a throwback. An asianavenue throwback lol.
Just an Avant and Joe kinda day.

My visit to Laos, meeting my aunt for the first time.

Although we just met, I felt like I knew her my whole life.
Within two seconds, we cried and laugh together.
She is truly beautiful just like the natures of Laos.

Jet Setter.

This was my favorite study song in college.


Now I'm replaying this song, sobbing to myself because I cannot believe I've come this far.
I made it come true.
I made it all come true.
I told myself I'm going to study abroad.
I'm going to Thailand.
I'm going to get closer to my culture.
I'm going to see my parents' hometown.
I'm going to make a small difference.
I want a life-changing journey and experience.
I'm going to see the lanterns before I die.
I want to see those lanterns!!


A couple of years ago, those wants just seemed so absurd because everybody has a bucket list. Everybody wants to do and see things, but how often do we ever attempt to do them? Barely. Ever.
But I really did make them happen. After the following week, my trip is complete. I'll be satisfied.
I even believe that a part of my life will be complete. Ok, maybe I'm over-exaggerating.

I'm feeling stirred-up, and anxious. Just a couple of more hours.

What's next?
Seeing the aurora, or northern lights!
As you can see, I just love lights.

How Do You Know When You're in Love?

• —COMMON: Man, I know I’m in love when I think about her a lot and I’m finding ways to get to that person. Even though I gotta work, even though I gotta take care of other responsibilities, I’m like yo, when am I gonna fly out and see that person? I look forward to seeing them.
• —KENDRICK LAMAR: How do you know you’re in love? When your heart feels it instead of your mind and your penis don’t. You know, it’s deeper than that… That’s when you know.
• —PETE ROCK: Oh man you feel it right here, *touches heart*, right there, it’s like cupid’s shooting you in the heart, that shit’s just BOOW! Lots of people say they don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do, it’s happened to me.
• —A$AP ROCKY: You know you in love cuz you don’t want nobody else but that person. You know, that’s how you know for sure. Like you could see a million other bad bitches, but you know, but it don’t even matter, you stuck.
• —BIG BOI: Your heart flutters a little bit, you like to kiss on the mouth a lot, your neck get hot when you kiss on the mouth, that type of stuff. Stuff like that, yea.

I don't own this. I took it from tumblr. I just fell in love with Kendrick Lamar's comment. I am so in love with him in general. I want to see him live again-- I love you, KL!!!

Please know there are much better things 

in life than being lonely or liked or bitter or 

mean or self-conscious.

We are all full of shit.

Go love someone just because, I know your 

heart may be badly bruised, or even the 

victim of numerous knifings, but it will 

always heal, even if you don’t want it to; it 

keeps going. There are the most fantastic,

beautiful things and people out there, 

I promise.

It is up to you to find them.

Chuck Palahniuk

Wine and bare backs.

Nothing like spending an evening with endless wine and hor d'oeuvres all for ten dollars.
Although the night was young, I was wined out with 10+ glasses, and had to end it by 10 PM.
I love Bangkok.
And I love people who laugh loudly with their mouths wide open.
Great drinks. Great time. Great company.

C'est la vie.

Right on the dot.
And so my life began just a couple of years ago.

C'est la vie.

Do everything in love.

When worse comes to worst

What's better than long bus rides and long weekends? A LONG MONDAY. Well, sort of. However, sacrificing sleep, being stuck in traffic with protesters, and building a headache was worth it to see all my happy faces-- and these crafts!


I've come to this point in my life where I've accepted a lot of people's concerns about my single life. People just really want to see me happy with somebody! I get it. Sometimes I feel the same way, too, but I cannot help what is meant to be. I'll be frank though, I am tremendously flattered. A girlfriend of mine insisted I talk to her best friend BEFORE I EVEN MET HER. Hilarious. Another girlfriend of mine who I just volunteered with here and there randomly tells me, "you should talk to my brother!" I normally would decline and snap, "ew, no!" Now, I just ask about their best friend, brother, cousin, homie, etc. They even sound like wonderful, smart, successful, ambitious and loving men. Hey, the brother even dresses like a GQ man *fans face.* It sounds too good to be true, almost everything I wanted in a man. (Finally, not another old bum who just needs to start dating, or even get married.)
Some used to nag to me how picky I am and how I'll be alone forever.

The thought of alone-ness seems almost scary, yet not really. If that's the way it should then so be it.
When I went to visit one of the fathers of my children today at the detention center, it made me realize: this is why. THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
The father gave me an envelop of goodies he handmade himself for his kids. If you notice, they even have his kids' names on them. Not only that, he also handed me a letter for his wife!
So, people actually still like to be simple, crafty and creative out here. And what even stole my heart even more is that people in this world still write letters to their loved ones.

I always thought that these tribal people didn't know much about love and affection. Maybe they don't know the pure essence of intimacy, but they do know that they must faithfully stick together for better or for worse, and to support each other and their kids no matter what their situation is, and no matter how long they've been separated. I've never seen anything so powerful.
And my heart goes out to them.

It makes me think to myself, when worse comes to worst, what would you do? If you had no money to take me out to fancy dinners, or buy me bougie gifts, how would you show that you still love and care for me? Would ya still fancy me? What if I ended up in the gutter, would you simply sweep me away or pick me up? When things have gotten worse for you and/or me, would you make quick moves for your own self-esteem and pride, or would you think about all of your surroundings? Oh, don't let me start singing 50 cent's "21 Questions" now!! *finds song on itunes*

I told myself time and time again: Find a man who knows how to build with their own hands, observe closely with their eyes, love with all their heart, and listen to good music for the soul.
Basically, find a man who can fish, camp, and build a bon fire. That's all the survival skills you'll eventually need! Until then, I absolutely adore (even if I'm not interested) hearing about all of my potentials and looking at their photos. I could even see myself crushing on some. That's a first step up. Ya'll should be proud! But most of all, ya'll should be proud of my dignity, self-love & self-respect to want to settle with somebody who'll love me like a fat kid love cake ( my bad).

Thanks for my current roommate playing this for me lol.
Throwback.
I feel like a sweet ol' little girl all over again!

I finally made a bitstrips and I absolutely love it because she looks just like me! lol

Justin Timberlake- TKO

If there is one man I could marry, I swear.
No doubt would I ever, ever walk away from JT. 

You sing it, JT. You sing it, and dance with it lol.

This ain't the girl I used to know.

What keeps you up at night?

When you're tossing and turning in bed, what is it that keeps you up?

Are you busy plotting your schedule for the next day, or even for that week?
Are you stressed and in fear of emotional, financial, or physical reasons?
Are you busy blueprinting your future?
Are all of these crazy creative ideas constantly creeping in your head?


When you're plotting your schedule, I hope you set in simple goals such as: try a new bar/restaurant, taking a walk, etc. and fulfilling those extremely short-term goals.
And when you're stressed or in fear, I hope you find ways to overcome them. Find your shield to protect you from any kind of weather, and grab your sword to fight away those fears.
And when you are blueprinting your future, I hope that you walk the walk as you talk the talk, because dreams aren't made for believing. They're made for living.
And when you have those crazy creative ideas, I hope you jot them down and find ways to execute those ideas that become avant-garde pieces that others doubted you in.



When you know how to dream, to fear, and to craft ideas, that's when you're living.
When they're things that creep on you every night, it means, something has to be done.
'Tis time to live it up.
You don't have to live it as if you dying, but you can live it so you don't have to wish you could redo it.
You live and you learn. Always.

Carpe diem.

Random thought: You can love and care about somebody so much, but in some cases, that can't make them love you back.

Truth be told.





We live in a world of lust, and falling into this pit where we are instilled by infatuation.
Being interested in somebody like you're having a hotflash.
But being acquainted to somebody's heart, mind, body, and soul-- that's challenging.
What's more challenging is transforming that acquaintanceship into something more intimate, and prolonging the challenge.

That challenge soon unravels your greatest pride and joy.
Love is and will be your greatest prize.

I'll admit, I freaked out when I realized I was really going to Hong Kong. One: it was never in my agenda. Two: I'm broke and on a budget. Three: It's Hong Kong, for crying out loud!!
But then I had to remind myself-- just GO with it. I owe it the best brother in the world who helped make this trip successful. I got to eat at my first Michelin star restaurant for some dim sum, road on an old boat getting a 360 view, and enjoyed the city night lights of Hong Kong Island while I sipped on my lychee martini. Hong Kong probably has one of the best weather ever, and the cutest people with their own vibrant style. They made me miss my streetwear lifestyle, and everything else I loved at the age of 17-18.

Two things I've learned from this trip: the ones unplanned are thrilling, and you'll never know unless you ask. 

These pictures are a few weeks old, but it's still worth sharing. I think growing up with parents who barely traveled has taught me to yearn for it. I sometimes still cannot believe I was able to see the world's biggest religious monument/temple, as well as step foot where Angelina Jolie was.

One thing I'll miss about Southeast Asia is taking a weekend trip to be cultured and to see and touch these historical sites that you have only seen in the media.

Gosh, I miss Cambodia.

Jhene Aiko: Keep Ya Head Up (Accoustic)

 

My favorite song of Tupac's.
I know ya fed up, ladies, but keep ya head up. 

Living in a bustling city filled with pollution, fried food, smokers, and hot air, you'll definitely need to take care of your skin!

I finally decided to quit being cheap by using Thai bar of soap, and actually buy some skin care products, since I didn't bring my own. I've been wanting to try Boots because I love how their products are simple, light, and natural! I've been obsessed with the toner to see how dirty my face gets from being outside just for an hour. I definitely noticed how my pores minimized. I always feel so refreshed after cleaning my face. Bye bye Thai whitening products- I am so done with you!


I love you, Boots!
(Thanks to my roomie who let me try her Maybelline NYC Girl toner)

I love looking at my blogs.






It makes me remember all the awesome things I've listened to, places I've visited, things I've felt, and people I've met.

Most of all, it makes me realize how much of a psycho I can be, whether it's from 5 months ago, or 5 years ago. Hahahaha. Oh lord, me. I'll never learn. It's the only way I can vent and be sane. <3



I love being crazy, and being great. Great at being crazy. But not as crazy as others.

This one goes out to you

This is for my cousin who's requested me to continue with my adventures, and my blog. <3 Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes it takes a reminder or two to push somebody to do something.




23 years.
It took me roughly 23 years to fall in love with my people.
The Hmong.

As a child, I used to hate it when mothers, aunties, older female relatives force us young girls to wear our traditional clothes to the Hmong New Year.
It was heavy and uncomfortable. Most of all, they'd tighten the dress 'til you couldn't breathe.
I remember having shamans over the house and having loud ceremonies early in the morning. If I was sick, I'd go to their dark house while they chanted for my soul to get better. I still remember my grandma, who was also a shaman, would spit water on all of us for good luck.

There were always so many rules that I never understood.
For instance, once a young girl matures, she must be industrious, basically like the mother. If she marries, there is a dowry, and she's practically the second mom in the household. I swear, I'd never be a Hmong wife because it was like slavery in my eyes. If you and your boyfriend got caught together, you were forced to marry no matter how old you were.

It never made sense to me.

I never had many Hmong friends. In fact, I never had Hmong friends. My family were my best and only friends. My whole life, my mother always protected me from the Hmong stereotypes, and emphasized higher education more than sustaining the Hmong language. I even shunned myself from the Hmong community... until high school came along. I found my first Hmong friends. Of course, with different lifestyles and attitudes, there was bound to be certain disagreements or quarrels.

I always felt like the older I've gotten during my teen years, the more I realized WHY I stayed away from Hmong people. I always told myself, "More Hmong people, more problems." It wasn't until I had moved back home to Michigan from Florida (senior year) where my older brother started opening my eyes to see the beauty behind the Hmong culture. I guess he made me see things from different perspectives. That's when I started appreciating it and wanting to get closer to the culture. Throughout my college years, I've grown to have a love-hate relationship with Hmong people depending on the personal relationships I've had.

It wasn't until the last couple of years in college when I started having so much pride for what I am, and who I am. I started meeting all sorts of Hmong people from New York, Washington, DC, and California. Many of them reminded me so much of myself: cultured yet ambitious; appreciating traditions but willing to step outside of the comfort zone for a diverse network and prosperous future. Not only that, being away from my family and close friends, made me miss my identity even more.

Now that I'm spending my last semester in Thailand, it's brought me closer to my culture than ever before. I received an opportunity to get personal relationships with Hmong-Vietnamese families who have been persecuted. These are the moments I cherish the most. Getting hugs from the little girls. Seeing the parents smile when they see me. Listening to the parents tell me that my Hmong sucks because I'm a Hmong-American (they actually said it in a much nicer way). Hearing their stories. Falling asleep at church. Crying to and with the innocent wives behind bars, thinking about their children in there with them. Waving, looking back, and feeling like you never want to leave because you don't know what tomorrow may bring them. Crying on the way back home.

My last phone conversation that I had with my dad, I told him, I love Thailand because it's made me fall in love with the Hmong people. Because of the Hmongs, I love Thailand. I told him I missed him as well.
And because of everything, it's made me build a better relationship with my dad all over again. Win, win. 

Just a few of my favorite photos:

Visiting my first Yang family 

With the married Yang women at the pre-school

My first set of Hmong parents that I've met

They're just as cute as my baby nieces! I heart them so so so much.

                          

Last, but not least, I've been reading a couple of books on Hmong people for my school. This has been my favorite one. Because of this book, I've learned the life cycle and cultural beliefs of the Hmong, and even some short-stories. I've learned why it is the way my parents believe in certain things or act certain ways. This explained everything from birth, to marriage, to death. Not only that, it painted all the lost memories I've had as a child, and as an animism (or what some Hmong people consider as shamanism).

10 years ago, I may not have been excited to wear Hmong clothes, or crave for traditional Hmong food. Now I freak out about the smallest things.
The loud gongs, crazy chants, and watching males and females sacrifice animals seem so absurd, but I get so nostalgic when I read about it.
I used to question why things had to be a certain way, now they're answered in some way.
A lot of things that made no sense to me... seem to still not make the most perfect sense, but who says it has to be any way? It just makes up the person who I am today, and the person I aspire to be in the future.
And it took me 23 years, with no intentions, to fully appreciate and love being Hmong.

It takes some of us longer to realize things. Some of us even take the harder route; however, we always find our way back. Like one of my cousin loves to say, "Tsis pom dej dag, siab tsis nqig." LOL.

I never thought I would make it here. I used to just look at photos and magazines thinking to myself "how cool would it be, to see the temples."

Well, here I am. I made it.

At the Grand Palace of Thailand.

Oh, I have a new crush: Adrianne Ho.
I've been seeing her face all over. Can't ever walk past a fresh, beautiful face with attitude. *snaps fingers

Daft Punk ft. Julian Casablancas "Instant Crush"

Every year, I always fall in love with a milk chocolate or mulatto man.
And let me tell you, I fall in love even more when a man rocks a #4 jersey, my favorite number-- reminds me of high school.

I always tell people that I won't watch sports unless: it's my hometown/midwest area, it's live, or it's with people I know.

But I actually watched this championship as if I were back home watching the kids play ball every Thursday night like old times.

'Twas a good season!

Now I'm even more excited to go back home.

Having Cali withdrawals.

I didn't think I would care for it, or miss it much.
Surprisingly, I actually do.
More or less.
The sightseeing, the nightlife, and the many people who made our trip successful.
I feel so blessed, I could not have asked for more.
Stanford>Santa Clara>SanFran>Napa>LA>SanDiego>OC>Laguna




And it's even worse now that I know how attached I can get to places and people.
FB requests, messages, and comments... it all makes me wish I could be everywhere with everybody all at the same time. <3
Just livin' life, and livin' it large.

Deliiiiiilah

Maybe one day I'll call Delilah and request this song haha. <3

So lovely, and I don't even listen to Carrie Underwood.

I'm not sorry that it's over, but for the way we let it end.

I couldn't find the words to say.

Lana Del Rey: Young and Beautiful

She is such a beautiful bad bitch.

I love every inch of her. I've been listening this to sleep, the moment I wake, while I get ready, on the way to work, on the way home, on the way to the sushi bar, and late night.


I could die to this song. <3

I'm a pretty brave girl.
I can jump off of a plane, kill cockroaches, eat alligators, zip across canyons/lake, speak in front of a large audience, etc.



But if there is one thing that I fear the most...
it's not lions, tigers or bears.
It's not war or death.

Hell, even the thought of falling in love frightens me, but there's ultimately one thing that scares me the most.

It's DIVORCE.
The thoughts before, during, and after the process. When one person finds another interest or hobby. When one person gets irritated. When one person decides to give up. When one person falls out of love.

It just takes one person or one little thing at any given time or place that fucks it all up.
No matter how long you have been together, or how much you have invested in time, family, house, commitment, etc.


And the crazy thing is, I know I'm crazy because things like this are always constantly in the back of my head.
"What's the point if we're just going to break up?"
And I constantly need reassurance 'cuz if you're not putting in 70%, I know you're not going to put in 101% when things get rough.
And the crazier thing is, if I cannot even handle a break-up that well, I don't think I can bare a divorce. Because each negative person or thing that I allow to hinder my life, deepens that same old scar. Deeper. And deeper.


One thing my mama told me that always stuck to me is: "When you lose your parents, you're sad, but when you lose your child or your spouse, you feel like a part of you is gone."



To me, that is scary.

So I've been told that I need to get out of this fantasy land because shit like this is normal... but honestly, shit like that hurts. like. hell. I don't believe in accepting what seems to be normal that is actually VERY DIRTY. I believe in genuineness. I believe in going hard, or going home.
And I fuckin' believe in forever, so let me live in this fuckin' fantasy world... because it looks a whole lot better than the rest of this world full of fucked-up people!

Excuse my profanity LOL. I had to add some emphasis.


I dedicate this song to those who don't look far ahead, who don't feel for others, who don't think deeper, who don't love harder, who are just in it to win it or get with it, who have no soul, who are selfish, who are weak, who don't care, who throw people under the bus, who can go to hell. LOL, OK, I quit.

I'm not angry, btw, but once I start talking about dumb people, I just cannot stop.

Mariah Carey ft Miguel: Beautiful

This song kinda makes my heart flutter lol. <3

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed." 

-Ernest Hemingway

I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to fall in love.


When I tell people, I know my feelings, and I know it when I truly like someone, I do.
And I'm starting to get those feelings.

Not with someone, but with something.

I'm going to Cali for the first time in my life, and as time gets closer, I am scared to death.
I'm scared to fall in love with it because once I fall, I fall deep.
Sometimes when I get so caught up that I can never look back.
And the funny thing is, my knees get weak when I think about it.
That's how frightened and nervous I am because this is the determination of my future.


It feels as though it's my first time meeting the man of my dreams.
Now it's the city of my dreams.




It only frightens me because others keep emphasizing how much of a Cali girl I am, how they picture me there or in a big city, how I belong there because I act like the people there. Honestly, I've felt that way deep in my heart since I was a kid. I always told my parents I was moving to Cali (either Santa Monica or San Fran) even before the hype, even before I knew that Cali was supposed to be a cool place to live. I just knew that THAT is where I wanted to be. It's weird for me to even imagine or say that as a kid because I've never been there. The dreams always came and gone, but now... we shall see.


I just want to live somewhere, where I feel like "I belong here. This place is for me. This place is my home. The place is my heart."



I am definitely not ready to fall in love at all... with anyone or anything or any place.

Pursuit of Happiness

Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life.

-Chuck Palahniuk

I don't believe in getting mad, or getting even. I believe in myself. I believe in staying positive and working hard to be successful. 

And as they say, happiness is the best revenge.


I was talking to one of my guy friends the other day.
He told me that I was lucky because I have everything laid out for me: Thailand, graduation, going back home and getting a job.

It's funny that it all seems so easy as if everything was handed to me.

I told him that I just stayed positive and let God do it all because he has a plan for all of us, and to be patient.
He snarled at me. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but he responded that if the whole world thought the way I did, we'd all be fucked 'cuz things aren't that easy.

YOU RIGHT. But I'm not going to go into details about the negative stuff I had to go through in order to reach a state of mind. I had to work up to where I'm at, but I'm not going to sit and pout about it.

That's when I simply replied to him that, "I've gone through my own share of things to where I'm at, and all those things just taught me to learn how to appreciate the little things. Everything happens for a reason."
And it reminds you that others get pissed to see you happy because they do not know how to have that state of mind as well. They'll never know how to appreciate, love, and be simple. Hence, they're going to be angry people forever. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

I know this 'cuz I used to be that pissy person. Pissed at people who were happy about stupid stuff. Annoyed by people who tried to tell me that life is easy, but we just make it hard on ourselves-- because I felt like he didn't know anything; because I felt like everything was mapped out for him as well.

But in the end, he was fuckin' right. It is so damn true.

When I was younger, I used to watch couples break-up to make-up.

This is when I was only a kid. Those couples were my brothers' friends. Even as a kid I had my own opinions.


There's that couple that has been together for years ever since they were pre-teens. He was cute. She was pretty. One day they break up and you have no idea why. You were too young to know anyway.

He starts dating another girl. Pretty girl, too, but the family doesn't like her as much as the ex.
Ya gotta admit, they were a cute couple though.

Ups and downs. Break up. Make up. Break up again. Make up again.
Until one day, they really did break up, and moved on.

New girl. Yuck.
New guy. Eh?


And now that I'm older and look back at all these couples, it seems like everything fell into place the way it should have.
The girls who gotten their heart broken are happily in love with wonderful men, or are independently living their lives. And they still look so beautiful as ever.
The guy who just never seemed to learn, ages. LOL. I don't know how else to put it, but he aged physically and mentally.
It is as if they were all destined to be apart with somebody else for both good and bad reasons.

And then there's that couple that people thought they were for sure going to get married, even if they had broken up awhile. We all thought they would get back together after their break, after they have grown separately. But they never got back together. At all. He moved on. People grew skeptical because the new couple were so different from each other. Of course, there are always comparisons like the ex was cuter and was cooler. The new gf is really nice and sweet, but not as pretty. He changed and seemed so fake. But they're together, and have been together forever, happily married, and created a family.


The couple that seemed less likely to last, end up being together forever.

It never made sense to me as a kid, and it always shocked me. "Oh no, they were so cute though. What happened?" As I've gotten older and seen the scenario happen one too many times, it all became very clear to me that everything always makes sense when you stop trying to make sense of things.
'Cuz in the end, everybody seems pretty freakin' happy-- and that's all that matters.

Everything happens for a reason. Either we find ourselves, or find a compatible partner. Self-growth. Self-reflection.
Don't break up to make up. Break up to grow up.



This crazy world. I LOVE IT.